So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
