I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
