I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
is wine microwaveable?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
