You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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