Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
