She is in my trunk
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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