ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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