Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can feel your judgement through the phone
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
