you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
