Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
