i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
