You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize