Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
operation have a gay friend backfired
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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