I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
