so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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