life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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