No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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