Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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