im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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