I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
