My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I AM VODKA MAN
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
