I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
