My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
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there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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