Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
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