cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
