ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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