I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
