found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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