I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
