Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
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Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
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just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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