He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
