Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
