I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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