fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
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In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
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Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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