There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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