I got chris browned last night
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
