Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
