when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
