i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
