i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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