why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
