I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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