look no pants
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
