i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
being pregnant is like rehab
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
