And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
