So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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