She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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