On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Pappa wants mamma naked
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
