I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
