It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize