my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
