I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
