bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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