What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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