did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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