He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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