took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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