yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
