Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
